This Method Can End Any Argument In Just 3 Minutes
As much as we hate to admit it, arguments are inevitable in relationships. Building a deep connection with someone isn’t easy, and disagreements are natural—and I’m not just talking about arguing over sushi or pizza for takeout night. But even then, an argument that might seem silly at first can turn into something worse if left unchecked. In the heat of the moment, emotion can quickly overpower your logic and reasoning, which leads to saying words you don’t mean and uncomfortable tension. When this happens, having a strategy in place can make all the difference. This simple, 3-minute argument reset method, designed by a relationship therapist, helps you pause, regroup, and respond, so an argument doesn’t spiral out of control. So, if you’re tired of going to bed angry or are just working to improve your relationships for the better, the 3-minute argument reset method can help.
Monica Lynne
Monica Lynne is a Seattle-based sex and relationship expert at the dating app Flirtini, LMHC, AASECT-certified sex and relationship therapist, and a sex educator.
What is the 3-minute argument reset?
The 3-minute argument reset is exactly what it sounds like—a strategy that helps you pause, refresh your perspective, and work together toward a resolution in just three minutes. According to Monica Lynne, a certified relationship therapist, the steps within the method can help you reset the tension of a fight before things get out of control. The 3-minute argument reset involves three steps, each lasting about a minute, hence the name. They include anchoring the body, switching roles, and using a bridge phrase.
How to implement the 3-minute argument reset
Minute 1: Anchor the body
When we’re arguing with someone, it doesn’t just affect our minds, but our bodies. Lynne explains that, “Our Central Nervous System goes into Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn because adrenaline is released, [which] leaves the body dysregulated”. By recognizing when your body is facing dysregulation (think: shaky hands, racing heart, or heightened voice), you can put a plan in place with your partner to combat it. This is what the first minute of the reset is all about—self-regulating or co-regulating to calm the nervous system. This might look like stepping outside and taking deep breaths, or holding each other’s hands and breathing together for a moment. Once you’re no longer in fight or flight, you’ll have a much clearer mind, which can result in a more meaningful conversation.
Minute 2: Switch roles
After calming down, start the second minute off by switching roles with your partner. Take turns saying one sentence out loud as if you are the other person. Start with: “If I were you right now, I’d probably feel…” This quick sentiment changes your mindset, which can help take you out of your typical autodefense responses. Lynne explains that this is a “perfect way to interrupt defensiveness because your brain can’t attack and empathize at the same time.” By putting yourself in each other’s shoes, you can recognize the feelings of the other person that you were likely ignoring during the heat of the argument.
Minute 3: Use a bridge phrase
So, you’ve reset your nervous system and recognized each other’s perspectives. The final step of this reset is to use a bridge phrase to acknowledge your feelings and connection without demanding a resolution right away. “Instead of an apology, which can feel premature or hollow mid-fight, use a bridge phrase like: ‘I know we’re upset, but I don’t want you to feel alone in this’, or ‘My tone of voice or upset does not mean I love you less’,” Lynne encourages. Although this last step of the reset doesn’t solve the root of the argument, it helps create a safe space for the conversation to continue in a calmer, more mindful way.
When should you implement the 3-minute argument reset?
Lynne recommends using this method as soon as a discussion turns into yelling and blaming instead of solving the problem. At this point in an argument, you’re probably going around in circles, saying the same things, and interrupting each other left and right. “Physically, it can manifest in an escalated volume of voice, shaky hands, a pounding heart, or a lump in the throat,” according to Lynne. Once you recognize those patterns, it’s time to call for a reset. Lynne recommends deciding on a safe word to say to each other to signal the beginning of the first step.
What do you do after?
Since this method won’t completely resolve the root of an issue, it’s essential to follow up when both parties are calmer and clearer. So, after the reset is completed, plan a time for the conversation to continue. Lynne says that the ideal amount of time between conversations is 24-48 hours. By setting a time to follow up, you’re ensuring that the topic of disagreement doesn’t get swept under the rug and become a breeding ground for later tension.
“This reset shifts the energy from conflict to connection. It helps us remember that we’re on the same side, working toward a solution instead of slipping into blame.”
After that, it’s necessary to re-establish a sense of closeness with your partner. “Do something to regulate your Central Nervous System individually and then take a minute to reconnect with a hug or maybe go for a short walk together,” says Lynne. She also recommends agreeing on a “no-comment window.” This means no snarky comments, digs, or half-jokes in the meantime.
When it’s time for the second conversation, “Keep the scope of the conversation narrow and use that time to explain your feelings,” explains Lynne. If the conversation escalates again, implement the same reset steps. If one (or both) of you truly needs more time, agree on how or when you’ll approach the topic again.
Does the 3-minute argument reset actually work?
This method is effective for many typical relationship arguments—whether it be finances, boundaries, or even just a chore list. It’s also a great way to work on your communication skills with a partner since it forces you to stop, think, and respond in a way that’s actually productive. When we’re arguing with people we love, it’s easy to get caught up in our emotions. This reset shifts the energy from conflict to connection. It helps us remember that we’re on the same side, working toward a solution instead of slipping into blame.
However, there are times when this type of reset is not effective. In a case of physical aggression, this type of reset won’t work, and outside help should be used. Lynne explains that, “It also won’t land if one or both partners are under the influence, because substances interfere with the ability to regulate and self-soothe”. And lastly, everyone responds differently to stress. For some people, one minute of regulation isn’t enough to calm them down, and that’s OK. In those situations, a longer pause or more calming exercises are more effective than a quick, 3-minute solution.
At the end of the day, every relationship is different, and you have to do what works best for you and your partner. The next time your partner forgets to take out the trash or leaves their dirty socks on the counter, give the 3-minute reset method a try. It might be just what you need to keep those small, pesky issues from becoming something more.
Jenna Piotrowicz, Editorial Assistant
Jenna began working as an Editorial Assistant for The Everygirl in 2024. With her eye for detail, she assists the team with content creation, sourcing products and images, and works behind the scenes to support The Everygirl in uploading and updating content.
The post This Method Can End Any Argument In Just 3 Minutes appeared first on The Everygirl.
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